Thursday, January 31, 2013

Really Bad Writing Advice: The Clueless One Preaches Doom


Well, here I am in physical therapy with my somewhat wrecked ankle (which is, btw, wrapped in cool, black spider-webbish tape and looks kind of Goth), and I’m still in a bad mood.   I am, therefore, going to send out into the world some of the Clueless One’s pithier messages of doom, so that I can feel more fellowship with writers who don’t have a wrecked ankle but whom I’ve nevertheless reduced to a state of unappetizing moaning.

You’re welcome.

Dear Clueless One,
  
Writing is hard, and I’ll never get this manuscript to sing.  Should I just throw in the towel?

Sincerely,
 Might Be Incompetent


Dear Incompetent,

Yes.


Dear Clueless One,

Revising is hard.  This manuscript has any number of problems that I just can’t solve.  Should I just throw in the towel?

Yours,
 In Revision Hell


Dear IRH,

Yes.


Dear Clueless One,

This re-revision seems to be making this manuscript worse and not better.  Should I throw in the towel?

Yours,
 #BangsHeadOnKeyboard


Dear Head-Banger,

Yes. (And for the love of God, stop using hashtags.)


Dear Clueless One,

My publisher is terribly nice, but they appear to like this brilliant, well-established, multi-zillion dollar epic writer better than me.  She got to speak at ALA and I didn’t.  (Although that might be because she won the Newberry & I didn’t.)  Should I just throw in the towel?

Your friend,
 Peevishly Jealous


Dear Writer,

Yes.


Dear Clueless One,

Damn the internet!  If not for the internet, I would never know that somewhere out there, there’s someone who hates my book.  A lot.  And not just one person, either.  Just after I flame this misguided Satan, should I just throw in the towel?

Best wishes (if you liked my book, otherwise not),
Judgment-Impaired Narcissist


Dear Internet Joke,

Yes.


Dear Clueless One,

I don’t like your book and my publisher made me a poster.

Signed,
 Anonymous For Reasons of Safety


Dear AFRS,

Die.

10 comments:

  1. LOL wonderful post! I hope you're feeling better.

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  2. Ha! Clicking delete on this manuscript, then!

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  3. That-a-girl, Give it up, Yes! Why despair when you can throw in the towel? Better yet, throw the towel out!

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    Replies
    1. Or, at a more advanced level of cluelessness, you can both despair AND throw in the towel.

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  4. Thank you for your really bad writing advice. I especially like your concise one-word answers. Unambiguous and straight to the point.

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  5. Thanks, Sandy! Because if you're going to dish out truly impactful really bad writing advice, clarity is key!

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